When Asses Go Bad

What the fuck is up with my ass? I'm not trying to be funny. Well I have some idea what's wrong. Against her better judgement my wife bought me a pack of Tia Maria Tim Tams out of sympathy for me having to do nightshift. I ate half a pack each night over two nights, a bowl of pasta at 4am last night and spaghetti again before work tonight. My butt is jam packed with playdoh gone septic. HELP ME!! I NEED FRUIT!! I need a bucket of warm soapy water, 4 towels, a high pressure hose and some time alone.

Morbid Angel Drum Check

Link to MP3 (Right click & save if you want)

You HAVE to hear this.

I almost pissed my pants laughing.

More Warhammer 40K in 3D

Well why not.
Oh come on, you do fucking so like it.

Transforming Photocopier Ad

Download the ad from the links at the bottom of the first post.
I haven't seen the clip yet but the stills look awesome.
You guys will be lining up for the photocopier at your work on Monday morning going "huh...huhuh, huhuh, cool."

Network cable?

I'm going to set up a wirless network, but in the mean time want to do it with a cable as it might be a few weeks before the wireless is up and running. I've got the 3D gear running on desktop and laptop now, burning to cd constantly to exchange files is driving me insane, and if networking cables are $30 or so I will gladly pay just to use it for those few weeks.

What cable do I buy? Can I just get it at Dick Smiths or some computer dork store? I don't really have time to go to a swapmeet, that would lose me a day.

Does networking let you set up a shared folder, so I can save to that folder from either machine and the other machine will see the updates? Or do you have to send files back and forth between them, or do I just keep the project on say the desktop and access the files from either machine?

I am sorry, but it just does NOT get any better than this:

I have a new goal to reach, a new dream to fulfill, and my life will be complete.

Little Britain

Did anyone see Little Britain on the ABC last night? It was on after Kath and Kim.

I've been hanging for it to start, it was the first episode in a new series with some blokes from League of Gentlemen. It's not as out there as LOG, which you have to watch from between your fingers, it's horrible but you can't look away. Little Britain still had me in stitches though. Those guys are fucking comic geniuses. Awesome characters, and the same 2 blokes play nearly everyone on the screen. TML nerds will be excited to hear that Tom Baker of Dr Who is the narrator. Few things on TV excite me, Little Britain and Kath and Kim are doing it for me currently. Kath and Kim is losing steam for me a little, but it's tragic enough to keep me coming back for now, just for the squirm factor.

3D SHOCKWAVE ACTION

EIGHTBALL look. We could make an interactive 3d website so cool people will vomit.

Talk to me

Rather than burying this in the comments of the Alienware post, I'd like to start a fresh discussion of portable computing love.

I am in the market for a lappy. Powerbooks give me a hardon, but then so do the Alienwares. Alienware support in Oz is an unknown. I can get a Dell through a Dell staff member, so possibly discounted, but I haven't played with one nor dealt with their customer service. Thinkpads are engineered as well as the Apple gear, but often seem underpowered.

If I'm going to buy one I'm happy to blow a fair amount of cash (I can tax it and don't have kids or a girlfriend). The thing needs to be sexy for starters and powerful enough to run a web browser and putty... It actually needs a fair amount of juice, I'll probably game on it a little, but that's not a priority as I have the desktop. I'll need to: run 3D stuff (game maps and models), run vmware (linux, works SOE, my SOE) or run a boot loader and have room for multiple OS's, plus all the ususal crap. It needs to age well, as from memory the 'lease and upgrade in a year' deal fucked 8ball over and wasn't worth it? Obviously it needs wireless, bluetooth and dildo attachments.

I guess, aside from the brain dump above, I'm more interested in the experience you and your friends have had with each brand, pricing is an equation I can deal with later. Who's good at making laptops and providing support, who's shit, and where can I find more info from users rather than marketing? i.e. Stompy mentioned forums discussing the Alienware lappys, and I know 8ball and Stompy are running Dells right now.

November 16th

Old news now, but didn't get round to posting about it till now. Go and look at the site, download the trailer if you haven't seen it, proceed to touch mister happy.

I've pre-empted and booked the 17th off work. (I got in trouble when WarCraft3 came out and I was 'sick', MonkeyPox didn't believe me for some reason, neither did work) Plus I've already paid and pre-loaded off Steam so I get a wee hat and some posters or something. If you thought I had problems when Doom3 came out...

Oh yeah, and to the people hailing Halo2 as 'the most anticipated game of the year': Don't be fucking stupid.

Alienware...

'nuff said.

The Hottest Tshirts in the World

I'm as sick of telling people about these as you guys are about hearing my crap. New site live, with online purchasing. Tell people with too much money & not enough clothes.

Any comments about me looking fruity in the images will be followed by a meek "shut up cunt" & some sulking. I seemingly had no choice (or friends).

This game IS the fucking shit :)

Fighter games get boring real quick in my opinion. Most of the time I think this is because there's so little to differentiate them from all the other Mortal Kombat ripp-offs, tributes, call-them-what-you-will.

Def Jam Fight For NY is excessively cool, fucking brutal, and just plain funny.

There's four different fighting styles to choose from, but what's really nice is that none of them are over the top 'we are kung-fu gods' type shit. One of the styles does use some farily basic martial-arts moves, but the rest of it is plain brutal arse-kicking. I mean, you can throw a juicy haymaker, kick them in the nuts, or simply grab their pretty hair and slam their face into the wall, before dragging it back and forth a bit. Nasty.

You can play as your own dude or pick someone from Carmen Electra (or some other foxy bitch) through to Henry Rollins, Method Man, Crazy Legs, even poofer Sean Paul.

There's a slew of different arenas to fight in each with their own risks. Cage matches are fairly safe (apart from the dude trying to kill you) but if there's no cage then there's nothing to stop 'audience participation', occasionally they'll chuck someone a weapon, shove you round, or pin your arms back while the opposition boots you in the face. If you're in the subway, trains go flying past from time to time, trains can really fuck you up.

As you progress you earn dollars to pay for training and beef up a bit, or just buy some Bling Bling. Bling will not only gain you cred, but if you actually dress your dude with some style you get more points when kicking someone in the arse!

If you're kicking arse you build up to a 'Blazin!' rage, when you get to punch out a special combo move. These vary from slightly ridiculous flippy-flying-through-the-air crap to nice and realistic headbutting in the face and bitch slappin fun.

To end it all off nicely it's actually quite hard to finish people off, you can knock their health down to nothing, but you can't put anyone down with a little punch in the face, you've got to succeed in getting them with a decent hard hit before you can guarantee they wont get back up. This evens up the fights a lot and minimises fluke wins.

Five minutes in you'll find yourself talking like you're some hard fucker from the ghetto.

"I'm gonna rip out your tounge and lick my ass with it."

Please, kill us now...

Think Tank

Waiting for the laptop to render I thought I'd put this out there:
I was talking to Skaffen earlier tonight about wanting to set up a wireless network, with a router on the desktop machine for broadband internet. (Please bear with me I don't know what I'm talking about.) Anyway if anyone has any bright ideas please sing out, regarding ISP, what router/modem thong to get, etc.

I think rather than a render farm type deal, it would be better if I could work on the laptop, then see the desktop in a window and drive it from the laptop. It would be really sweet if a shared folder or something updated itself or had an update button I could hit, and then tell the desktop to calculate dynamics or render, which is where my bottle neck is happening. I dont want to share processor grunt between machines, just have the desktop slaved to do all the grunt work for the laptop.

Then I don't really need to worry about upgrading the desktop processor for a while, nor RAM for either machine - this would do fine for now and I'll have a mean one-man-band 3D setup. Also have desktop doing all peer-to-peer download action.

Another thing I'm wondering is can you set it up so the router is on, the desktop is off, and you turn the desktop machine on remotely from the laptop? That would fucking rule. I would feel like I was on Blakes 7. Also do you guys use quiet fans? My desktop fan is fucking loud. I think that machine doesn't need a hardware upgrade as such but a rethought fan setup, seperate router thing so PC can be off but router on, and a DVD burner. Yum.

Let me pre-empt Skaffen's reply of "get fucked, cunt" and eightball's "you should install a vibrator" so we can cut straight to the sensible talk like grown-ups. Thankyou.

I think I may have posted this earlier, but I don't give a fuck.

Check it, bitches.

Whoa.

Managed to nuke this post for a little bit there but it's back now, never fear.

D&D is god. The online demo game is rather shit and not very realistic. A chick DM-ing, pull the fucking other one.

Anyway, play D&D, celebrate the Dwarven Clerics, totally rad Paladins and poofter little Mages. You know you want to cast magic missile at me MonkeyPox.

Pass me my mascara

If this doesn't get you laughing on a monday morning, you're dead

& if you're dead, you're already cooler than these guys

Stompbox, probalby knows the guy that wrote this. in fact Stomp probalby has his first demo on a beer soaked cassette that he was given after bailing the guy up at the Tote saying 'you know whats wrong with metal today?....." then vomited on him..

I miss pubs-bands-beer-vomiting-Smith St kebabs

Mwahahahahaha!!!!

This guy sold ALL this shit for 11,500USD on ebay (pic links to auction)

What a mad fucker. I wanna be friends with the dude who bought it all. For someone who was never allowed consoles or actual gaming machines as a child the above image brings a tear of loss to my eye.

I am sure you know Firefox has hit version 1.0 Preview Release.

Some people whinge about bugs still, insisting on waiting for full release dates etc. But I'm sitting here stunned after an experience of pure technological joy that something can work so well these days in what's generally a fucking disastrous environment.

MonkeyPox made mention to me of a Gmail plug-in earlier today or yesterday. When I went to take a look I found I was running a 'too old' version of Firefox. Great, updatey-time, here we fucking go:

4.5M download, clean install, full import of all settings, features and other wonders of my other browsers without even trying. I clicked three times to make this happen? Only thing it couldn't do was install extensions from other versions. Right, let's hunt for my fav extensions...

I spent less than 10 minutes looking at and installing extensions, I now have:

Status bar notification of new Gmails (with one-click access), 'Foxy Tunes': FULL CONTROL of iTunes from my browser status bar (WTF!!), the ususal mouse gestures, tabbed nav etc, pop-up blocking, tools to fuck off unwanted ads, compatibility with arsehat Hotmail and IE only pages (or the ability to 'open in IE window' from the context menu if absolutely neccessary), RSS feed live updates of FUCKING BOOKMARKS IN YOUR LINKS FOLDERS FOR FUCKS SAKE!

FUCK!

Mozilla etc were always cool with funky features and ideas IE couldn't do easy, but this thing has blindsided me completely.

If you're not using Firefox, get it now.

Happy Page

There's stuff on this page designed to make you happy

Let see if you can work it out.

Bling Bling?

Yes, I Googled for 'Bling Bling' for some obscure reason, mainly due to boredom. (In truth I was checking if I could use it in my last post, but I couldn't, it doesn't mean 'money')

Anyway, I happened across this dude who I'd seen stuff from before. He's built his own site now, blingmethod.com - how a geek gets their bling bling.

I'd seen version 1 and 2 previously, but he's gone sooooo far past the call of duty I have to send you all there. I am still working my way through the series as I put this post together and I am in awe.

Space me bitch

I'm sure you've all now heard about the Ansari X-Prize being won and all, there's been a slew of info about it along with news that it's going to morph into an X-Prize Cup grand prix thingy.

For various reasons the main thing that's gotten me excited is Bransons proposal:



Thing is, this guy doesn't fuck around. He rekons he'll have sub-orbital flights for up to 5 passengers at less than 200,000 USD a head, WITHIN 3 OR 4 YEARS!

I almost believe him. He's got the money, the irritating entrepreneurial go get'em attitude that always pisses me off about the successful, and it's a fucking cool idea.

Also someone else is upping the ante to orbital insertion.

Hee hee, 'insertion.'

I want to ride my real Slim Shady

The Kleptonics

Give away music, that in itself is postworthy, but when you do kickass funny DJ mixes you get a post on TML. This goes up mainly for Skaff to give him something to get him through FuckholeTown. Get 'A Night at the Hip Hopera' it's a 75 minute hip hop mix using Queen backbeats exclusively & some really great rap mixing over the top. Think Queen's - Bicycle song mixed with Eminem's - Real Slim Shady into Belinda Carlisle's - Heaven is a place on earth & tell me it's not worth downloading.

Aparently the "Yoshimi Battles The Hip Hop Robots" is also very good, but I haven't got that far yet.

For some reason I cannot post comments on my own blog at the moment, so I'm posting this lovely image again with a link to the Australian site. I downloaded the single player demo, played it for about 20mins and went and bought the game.

It's not a direct translation of the WarHammer 40k rules, more a squad based combat system, similar to WarCraft 3. It's pretty good though, I'm having a ball. There's some novel concepts like squad morale which you have to take care of. Also, there's four 'races' and the means of progressing along the tech tree for each race are completely different requirements to that of the other races.

I'm just happy to see some form of differentation, when you look at games like the Age of Empires franchise it's pretty easy to lose faith in the genre.

Grpahics, interface and so on are all up to scratch. I'll whack up a review when I finish the fucker, as I've only played Space Marines so far.

Sydney is a fuckhole

Not in the "Oh goody I can stop masturbating now I've found myself a fuckhole" sense, but more "Oh dear, Bubba's pinned me down and is tattoing 'FuckHole' on my upper lip and lower back."

Due to many reasons, primarily my happiness with life, I have decided to fuck Sydney off and come home. Negotiations with my employers may not go too well, so I'm probably going to have to look for a new job.

If ANYONE knows of a UNIX admin/engineer role in Melbourne, or ANYTHING else you think I may be interested in/good at, please let me know. At this stage I am happy to suffer a reduction in pay or whatever in order to get things back on track. Contract work is also welcome. Basically I'll hock my arse if needs be.

Alternatively I am happy to take jobs babysitting 18 year old schoolgirls and the like, running LAN games or teaching english to 18 year old Japanese schoolgirls.

new UnrealEngine 3 pictures

Check out the forum link HERE for a shitload of pics. What a great time to be a nerd. You game nerds should get on the bandwagon and make normal-mapped photo-realistic hungry Latin American toilets to fight with.

Latin American Toilets suck arse

No, they didn't make us shit in itty-bitty-bins.

Toilets in South America are in many familiar ways a joy to use. Large ceramic bowls designed to cup ones arse in a loving embrace while you ponder the rapidly approching medical insurance claim. The only issue with the toilet system is the plumbing, which is fucked. Thus it is customary, and often requested by little signs in each cubicle, to wipe your little pooper, check the paper for artistic merit, then place said contaminated goods in a bin like the above.

EVERYBODY does this, it's fucking rank.

Latin American Keyboards suck arse

I tried posting from Argentina and Chile without success, mainly due to the stupid fucking keyboards over there. Unlike the layout shown above I normally found the "@" as a THIRD symbol on the 2 key, requiring a fucking four-key-combo to get to it, like I was playing Mechwarrior or trying to punch out a combo on Streetfighter.

Computers seemed pretty rare in South America at first, the only ones I saw for two weeks being a Hostels 486 internet machine and the odd iBook being lugged around by Yank backpackers. Once we reached large cities in Chile however there turned out to be internet cafes on every block. Prices for PC hardware were comparable to Australia, so I doubt anyone could afford them, thus the cafes were always full, 24x7.

One thing I did find amusing was that if we met a local and they spoke more English than was required to rip off Gringos, they tended to be working in, or studying IT. Obviously the languages on the pc's remained in 'English', but these tend to be monosyllabic words that closely relate to their Latin origins and wouldn't be to hard to figure out for the average dirty foreigner. One programming student explained to me that no-one had ever bothered to translate the actual text-books from English, and even if they had labour is so incredibly dirt-cheap in that part of the world it was massively cheaper for students to PAY SOMEONE TO PHOTOCOPY AN ENTIRE FUCKING MANUAL than to buy one.

Most of the region still relies on Satellite TV as their main source of incoming fun (feminism hasn't sunk it's claws in yet so Telly rocks more than I dreamed it ever could, picture Hi-5 girls forced to ride mechanical bulls for their countries honour, multiple times!) and the mobile phone networks are fucked. My sister wasn't receiving calls for about a week, even if the person was sitting next to her hitting re-dial. To add to the insult of paying for such a crap service, when you receive a call both parties start paying through the teeth for the duration. Same with SMS, they just bill the fuck out of everyone they can.

BROKEN ANGELS

Slashdot review HERE
(I only skimmed the slashdot review but that guy is a dork and doesn't know what he's talking about)

Broken Angels is the sequel to Altered Carbon, which was a cyberpunk/detective novel. Well, when I say sequel, it's not really a sequel: it has the same main character but everything else is different (setting etc) so you could read them in any order.

Broken Angels is even cooler. It has a bad-ass tough talking Clint Eastwood type dude with a sense of humour as the main character, lots of gratuitous violence, intrigue, sexy guns and hardware, and it's a real page turner. I read it in a few days. You dont know whats going to happen next, so you read it fast as fuck. Good characters, believable story (well, you know what I mean) and strong dialogue.

The hardware has a Shirow (Ghost in the Shell) manga feel, and the suited military are like the Starship Troopers novel - imagine if they had made that movie properly, that would have been awesome.

Altered Carbon has been optioned for a film, that would be awesome. His books have more style and substance than any scifi I've read since William Gibson first made an impact on me 17 years ago.

Started MARKET FORCES last night, that's rad too.

Awesome INTERVIEW with R Morgan here

“I'm writing 'Kovacs #3', Woken Furies, now, and what's driving it is a fascination with Kovacs himself. He's got to make some decisions about the way he sees the world. If Altered Carbon has got some analogies with The Big Sleep, and Broken Angels had some inspiration from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, then I guess for the third one the root inspiration is North by Northwest and The Thirty-nine Steps. It's more of a chase thriller, with a lot of to-ing and fro-ing all over Harlan's World in search of things. It's back to the noir staples, in the sense that there are bad guys out to get him, all sorts of weird interests where he can't work out what's going on, and a sort of femme fatale figure, but there's more exotic travel. The Martians left behind orbitals circling Harlan's World, which basically means you can't go up in the air, so getting places takes a long time -- there's an old-fashioned feel to it. It's more extensive in range, and I think it's also more intensely personal. This is Kovacs's novel more than the other two were. Most of the book is about how he comes down from his fixation with vengeance, always having blood on his hands, to a slightly more socially constructive point of view. So I don't think it will be quite as grim as Broken Angels.”