Dear TML advice column
Dear TML,
There is a fucker at my place of employment who has chosen to take up whistling in his trips around the office. The problems with this are:
He can't fucking whistle.
He is tone deaf.
If sounds fucking horrible and makes me want to punch him.
I've told him that it is the worst attempt I've ever heard at whistling. He still keeps doing it. Punching him might have an unwanted effect on my career.
I've only thought of one other way to deal with it - an automatic e-mail every minute with the subject "stop fucking whisting, cos it isn't actually whistling and it shits absolutely everyone". This seems way too nerdy and it would be obvious who set it up.
Can TML's brains swing into action for some suitable punishment and supression advice ?
There is a fucker at my place of employment who has chosen to take up whistling in his trips around the office. The problems with this are:
He can't fucking whistle.
He is tone deaf.
If sounds fucking horrible and makes me want to punch him.
I've told him that it is the worst attempt I've ever heard at whistling. He still keeps doing it. Punching him might have an unwanted effect on my career.
I've only thought of one other way to deal with it - an automatic e-mail every minute with the subject "stop fucking whisting, cos it isn't actually whistling and it shits absolutely everyone". This seems way too nerdy and it would be obvious who set it up.
Can TML's brains swing into action for some suitable punishment and supression advice ?
posted by monkeypox at 2/16/2005 03:35:00 pm
8 Comments:
I have a few ideas.
When he walks past whilstling, scream "SHUT UP!!" and repeat everytime you hear whistling. If you get in trouble, explain that the whistling is effecting your productivity.
Or, farting. Farting is good. Does he have an office or partitioned area? He whistles, you go to him when no one else is around, sit on his desk, and slide one out. Promise to return regularly until he stops whistling. If he goes over your head claim you have no idea what he's talking about, and that if they find out, to please let you know.
as mentioned you have several courses of action.
Fight fire with fire methodWhistle back, try to be less tuneful, louder & concentrate on songs you know he hates & walk past his particular area often, about every 23 seconds
Fight fire with Fire method #2Start 'singing' the guitar parts from 80's thrash metal songs, loudly, often & directly into his ear. Start with the Ride the Lightning album & go from there
duh duh duh duuuuh did di de deeddd
you get the idea.
Fight fire with fire method #3Buy a football umpires whistle, everytime you hear him whistle, blast the everloving shit out of that thing
TWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Try & join in with his song
TWWWWWEEEEEEEE TWWWWWEEEEEEEE TWWWWWEEEEE TWWWWWEEEE TWWWWWEEEEEEEE
When he looks at you like you've just eaten his puppy simply say
"Dude, I thougth we were jamming?"
TML comes through with the goods again. All of the suggested methods are guranteed to gain a result one way or another. I'll give each of them a go.
I think eightball is on to a winner with the footy whistle. Stomps' farting suggestion would be a good one for today, as the person he shares an office with is away. For today I think I'll go "Fight fire with Fire method #2" and literally go for singing riffs from "Fight Fire with Fire" from Kill Em All. Then I'll try and whistle Cliff's bass solo - Anesthesia pulling teeth, mainly the wah pedal bits. That should come out suitably fucked up. Then on to ride the lightnight and some early Megadeath.
Thank you all.
I think it's important to be broadminded and COMBINE strategies - he whisltes, you hit him with a barrage on the umpire's whistle, farting wetly on the alternate beat. Get up out of your chair, fall into step behind him, trying ineptly to keep in time on the whistle with his tune and swinging your arms like a robot. Get a hat with a propeller on it, or better yet a beer hat with two cans of jolt cola in it. If he messes with you again he's a masochist.
Outcomes? TML advice is in for the long haul
I have just been promoted for the next 3 months. So, to celebrate, I did a fart in the (shared) office right after the clients had cooked bacon in the kitchen. It was wierd. The smell of the cooking bacon had got our stomach juices going, and then the fart was a steamer which smelled kind of like a really good laksa. The boss said "you're disgusting" and I said "... you know what? The smell of that fart is making me hungry." I had that wierd bubbling nausea you get if you don't eat breakfast.
Outcomes - so far have only tried the jamming fight-fire-with-fire method. Result was that I was too subtle. I think he took it as a compliment.
"What are you humming"
"I'm jamming with you dude"
"Cool - a bit of a session eh ?"
Or something like the above.
This guy is also the office burper, so I don't know what effect the fart will have. I need to find my umpies whistle.
Others in the office, especially those fortunate enough to sit very close to the can't-fucking-whistle-whistler have realised subtley isn't the answer. Next jamming session will involve precussion and wind with piles of junk around the office. Coiled ribbed conduit sounds very close to a didgeridoo.
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